Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How to Seduce a Housewife

You know you want it. She knows you want it. You have no idea how to get it, until now. Listen closely boys, Mama is speaking now.

As you slowly make your way into the kitchen, gingerly give her a side glance with your sexiest smile. Then stroll over to the dishwasher, and gently caress it. Feel the smooth stainless steel with nimble fingertips and reach for the handle underneath. Now ease the door down and bend over to pick up a dish, let her eyes linger on you for a minute as she recovers from the initial shock of your picking up the dishes and putting them into the cabinet. After you have exhibited your manliness from lifting all of those dishes, saunter over to the pantry and gather the broom and dustpan. Her breath catches and her heart starts beating faster as you run your strong hands down the shaft of the broom, but do not acknowledge her reaction. Continue to sweep the entire kitchen floor, swaying the broom back and forth, back and forth and don't be afraid to put your hips into it. When she breaks out of her trance and attempts to grab the dustpan, gently stop her and say "No, I insist." Her knees will start to tremble as she touches the side of your face to see if you are running a high temperature. Then softly whisper into her ear, "Go rest, your favorite show is coming on now." She will softly gaze into your eyes- looking for any sign of her husband- only to give up and walk dizzily into the bedroom. Do not follow her. Continue on your Journey of Seduction by wiping down the counters and giving the kids a bath. After you have read the bedtime stories and tucked in the kids, congratulations, it's Business Time. As you wearily climb onto the bed, she presses her foot against your foot- a.k.a. the "greenlight"- and it's officially time for Business.
Well done, my friend, you have just seduced your Housewife. Only now, you are too exhausted to do anything but lay your head face down in the mattress from doing all the chores she does everynight before bed. And suddenly it dawns on you why she gives you "the finger" on any given night when you look up from your Fantasy Football scores and grunt at her as she walks by with no bra on and call it foreplay.

Consider yourself evolved.

You're welcome.

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