We all know those people. The ones who wake up the roosters to get their daily run in, who bake pies because “they love the aroma of warmth in their house”, or wrap their Christmas gifts with handcrafted paper created by at-risk youth in after school programs. Not only do I know of these people, I am friends with them. And I can’t help but feeling like every time I buy store bought brownies or send my kid to school in something that is not monogrammed (gasp!) I am doing the world an injustice and falling short of my duties as mother and wife of the year. For instance, I watch my friend, let’s call her Stephanie*, as she works in the room of her house that is dedicated to Scrapbooking (!?!) and documents every breath of her child’s life- from the first haircut to the first time she stuffs an English Pea up her nose. When I proceed to tell her that I have yet to start a baby book for my little boy (he’s fifteen months… and in my defense, I have a steel trap for a mind) she looks at me like I just told her that I like to kick puppies and squander the dreams of little children. Then there is my friend Caroline* who, when she is not harvesting her own eggs to teach her children valuable lessons of where your food comes from, likes to make her own jam from local berry farms and packages them in cute berry jars (where do you even find those?) to give to her kids’ Sunday school teachers. She recently went on vacation with her family and came back with pictures that were straight out of a Pepperidge Farm commercial as they strolled through the countryside on bicycles adorned with vintage flower baskets and gobbled up ice cream from a local store they happened upon while chasing fireflies. This conjured up memories from my most recent family vacation where the heat index was about three degrees above the burning flames of hell and caused all of us to stare at each other in utter disgust. Too hot to yell, or be angry or even think clearly. At one point I felt sure that little Rinks was foaming at the mouth, but it just turned out to be sour milk. Perfect.
Motivated by my friend’s inspirational vacation, I decided that we would have delightful family outing as well, to show that we are the perfect American family. As we made our way to the countryside trails the next weekend, I guided Ashley to the rental bikes that were reminiscent of Pee Wee Herman’s Big Adventure, complete with a bell and a seat for Rinks. Ashley took one look and said, “You have lost your mind if you think I am getting on that. Who do I look like, Dick Van Dyke?” I proceeded to tell him that Dick Van Dyke was not only a legend of small proportions, but also made leisure biking look very hip and cool; and I hadn't even asked him to sing “Chim Chim Cheree” like I had originally planned! He wasn’t buying it.
On to Plan B. Since Ashley was not willing to assist me on my journey to Mother of the Year, I had to take matters into my own hands. And that meant one thing: A trip to Hobby Lobby. Granted, walking through the endless isles of paper, glitter, glue, and cute little wooden frogs that I had no idea what to do with made me a little dizzy, I was going to make Rinks a book he would never forget. So I began throwing items in my basket like I’m Naomi Campbell with her cell phone and at the end of my trip, I came home with… what, I am not sure… but I whatever it was, I was going to make it into a masterpiece. With Rinks being a rowdy 15 month old child, he wanted to help mommy make his book too. And of course letting my aspirations of the Perfect Mother get the best of me, I decided this was a good idea. This has since been labeled the Glue-In-The-Hair incident in our house, which resulted in Rinks having a spiffy baby mullet.
Exhausted, stressed, and now having a child that looks like he belongs in a Billy Ray Cyrus video, I decided to retire the dream. And now as I watch my perfect mom friends sew custom outfits for their children or feed the homeless with their gourmet leftover Risotto, I smile. Because tonight we are having chicken nuggets straight from the freezer, and according to Rinks and his undying love for chicken nuggets, that makes me Mother of the Year.
*Names have been changed to protect me from losing friends.
Mandi is a writer, a wife, and a mother. When she is not tending to her fresh herb garden, she is sitting on the couch letting the noodles burn on the stove because she is too busy watching “The Bachelor.”
**To all my readers, this will be my last article with "At Home TN" as I am focusing my efforts on an exciting new venture. Please stay tuned!!!
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