Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Several of you have been asking for me to post some progress pictures, and of course I will be happy to oblige. So behold...

Ok, you caught me, you sneaky bitches.

This is my progress picture below. I refrained from posting pictures previously because I didn't want all of you getting so jealous and depressed (in that order)about how incredible I look, because then that would be on my conscience and who needs that? And I know what you are thinking, and no, those are not designer shorts.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Day 60: Things are looking "Berry" Good

Sixty days have come and gone and now as I gaze into the mirror, I see Halle Berry staring back at me. Ok, so maybe when you see me you will not see an African American Oscar winner. But I did lose 12 pounds and I have a new resolve that I have never had before. All in all, I didn't lose the full 20 lbs that I set out to lose but it isn't about the weight nor has it ever been about the weight. On this journey I have developed the confidence to take back control of what I once thought was a lost cause. I can't pinpoint the exact time when I acquired this newfound resolve but I think that it has to do with slow steady consistency, the turning over of the mind. The "Ah Ha" moment. Somewhere along the way in my life I convinced myself that I was not capable of changing my weight issues, but in reality I wasn't willing to let it go, to lift it up to see what it was actually covering. But during these 60 days I have discovered what that was, and it was fear. Fear of not succeeding, fear of boredom, fear of regret, fear of change, and most of all fear of having to face reality instead of being able to occupy my mind with weight. If I lost this weight, then I wouldn't have the scale to obsess over and that would mean that I would have to start focusing on (god forbid) the real problems with fear. The mental beating that I gave myself everyday over my body became the the dillusional voice in my head that masked itself as something I needed; something that was familiar and comfortable. Like I wouldn't know what to do if I patted myself on the back instead of cracking the whip over my own backside. (Did I mention I am my own therapist? And I can be yours too for the low price of $150/hr!)
But I have put down the whip, and picked up some new respect for myself, and an appreciation for what I am capable of. And that my friends, is Change.

Although this journey is far from over, I will move on to another (because I'm the one that came up with this stupid time line, and I am not one to break my own rules.) So moving on, out of my three options in the previous post, I have decided to take on Door #2, Financial. Because 1.) I have knocked out Door #3 because I am just too damn brilliant and 2.) I believe that your bank account and your waist size have more in common than we might think, so it made the most sense in transitioning. So hold on to your shoulder pads Suze Orman, because there is a new sheriff coming to town!

Coming up next: 60-days-to-change-my-bank-account-from-brokin'-to-smokin'

Monday, March 22, 2010

Day 57: The Final Countdown..

Well, ladies and gentlemen, friends and foes, greasers and squares; the time is drawing nigh and my first journey of change is coming to an end. And I have to say that all in all, though I haven't totally reached my goal, I am well on my way and I am happy with the changes. On day 60 I will post my final results for you to see my progress etc.
In the meantime, I have been thinking about what I want my next 60 day challenge to be. And here are some of my thought processes:

Door #1.) Spiritual. Calm down all you Baptists, step away from your Bible tracts, I am not talking about being born again. I am talking about working on developing a deeper awareness of consciousness and gratitude, and trying not to be such a stone cold bitch. But I am not sure if I am ready for this, and I am pretty sure it would take more than 60 days... and possibly a priest and some holy water.

Door #2.) Financial. I love to spend money. The problem? I am not Paris Hilton. And this is a problem that needs to be addressed. So with this option I would put myself on a strict spending "diet" in order to pay off debt, and build some wealth... or at least enough to go to Applebee's on a regular basis and not feel bad about it.

Door #3.) Therapy. This is probably the most needed, but it looks like I would need to fix Door #2 before I could afford Door #3. Wait a second, does the new Health Care reform cover this? Oh Happy Day. I have always wanted to do this though, go to therapy and then write about it. It's like my all time narcissistic fantasy coming true- where I get to talk about myself, and then turn around and write about talking about myself! It's almost too exciting to take.

So which door will it be? I will reveal which one I choose on day 60, after completing this current challenge. So stay tuned, and please feel free to pitch in on which one you would like to see me do. Not that I will listen to you, but still, feel free to post.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Biggest Agenda

Holy Mother of Product Placement. The Biggest Loser is bordering on ridiculous with their hidden commercials throughout the show and frankly I am sick of being duped by these "surprise" attacks. Like when the contestants are casually rummaging through the cabinets trolling for something to eat when suddenly Jillian walks in with a full, un-opened pack of Extra Sugar Free Gum. "Hey Guys!" She says. "Are you craving a snack right about now?" The contestants look at her with a fixed smile and say, "Sure." She then pulls out the perfectly conditioned pack of gum and says, "Next time try chewing on this 5 calorie stick of gum to fight off your cravings and help you reach your goal." Oh really Jillian? You think a stick of 5 calorie gum is going to stop these two 467 pound tubbies from downing a sleeve of Oreo cookies? As if.
So, I have decided to come up with my own realistic product placement, in hopes that they will find this and follow suit.

Setting: Biggest Loser Kitchen, two contestants are scouring through the cabinets, violently tearing open bags of trailmix like two bears who have just crashed a picnic.
Jillian walks into the room holding a frying pan. "Hey guys!" She says. "Are you craving a snack right about now?" The two ravenous contestants look up at her with a crazed look in their eye and a chex square falling out of the corner of their mouth. "Sure." They repeat together.
She then holds out the frying pan and says, "Next time, take this frying pan and hit yourself over the head like this (she demonstrates). It should knock you out for about 45 minutes, enough time for that pesky craving to pass and help you reach your goal."

Calphalon Cookware- It's Not Just For Cracking Eggs.

The End.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Day 49: Sleeping with the Enemy

I am a new person. I am eating Salmon... with spinach. I am exercising 5 days a week. And I am attempting to make peace with "The Paunch" a.k.a. "El Pauncho" (see previous posts for explanation). However, my attempts are being thwarted by a sly member of my family, and it's not Buddy Lee the dog. Behold, the arch nemesis of healthy living and his ruthless ways. He is the Joker to my Batman, the Nicole to my Paris, the live microphone to my Taylor Swift... You get the point.

The Perpetrator:

The Conspiracy:

That's right. I came home tonight to find not one, but TWO fully loaded cannisters full of every chocolate candy my Willy Wonka fantasy mind could hold. Does anyone else smell... sabotage?

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 43: Seeing Stars

I was in California last week for work (I sound so important, don't I?) and got to meet lots of great people and see lots of...uh... no, scratch that; I didn't see anything but an airport, a hotel, a conference room, and then an airport. But the aerial view was fantastic! Of course as I expected, as soon as I opened my mouth I got the typical, "Oh, where are you from? Alabama?" I soon got tired of defending my Dolly Parton-esque twang and started responding by saying "Canada". Weird, uncomfortable looks followed but it was better than the previous looks of hillbilly pity.
The highlight of my trip? When a Mr. Jonathan Cain from the band Journey came and took a seat beside me on the plane. For those of you who are not familiar with Mr. Cain (first of all shame on you for being so lame), he is the pianist and songwriter behind the group with songs like Faithfully, Open Arms, and Don't Stop Believing under his belt. Being the true journalist that I was always meant to be but got lost somewhere along that path, I immediately started interviewing him like he was on the Barbara Walters Special. He was gracious and obliged this crazy seat-mate that he regretfully sat by on a three hour direct flight. I will never listen to Faithfully the same... sigh.
On to more important and narcissistic subjects- I have been working out like Jesse Spano on diet pills (I'm so excited, I'm scared!) and have been keeping the diet more lean and low carb at night so I am expecting to be Heidi Klum in 3 weeks. I'll keep you posted on that...
Finally, as this 60 day phase is coming to a close, I have been thinking about other changes that I would like to take on next. If you have a suggestion, I am all ears. So let's open up the floor!

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Day 38: Take this Cake and Shove it.

What happens when you consume sodium-infused starches 3 nights in a row? Very Bad Things.
I am in California for work so I have had no choice but to eat carb-a-licious dinners every night (it's a tough job) while coming back to lie spread-eagle on my bed, unable to bend my torso from all the bloating. But do not lose hope my dear followers, because I have been getting up at 5:30am every morning (WHAT?!?!?) for my workout in order to combat the Carb Carnival that I have been riding. I am more motivated than ever when it comes to my workouts and have been making the decision every day to complete my work out, even when I don't feel like it. And although my usual pattern is to give up within 4 days (6 days is my record) when I am not seeing results, I am making a point to celebrate every discipline that I am developing, while believing that it will payoff.

Now I need to harness this food thing, which I have found has more of a hold on me than I originally gave it credit for. In digging into my past to figure out when this started, I had a memory come to mind. My 5th grade teacher used to bake a cake for the class every Friday (damn you, Mrs. Smith!) and I always got a little more excited than every other kid in the class. Ok, this is an understatement. While the other kids were playing games, I would dream of Fridays and anticipate what cake she would bake this week. Would it be chocolate? Or the yellow cake with the white icing? I would count down the days until she would walk in holding that glorious sugar mound. And then I would casually find ways to pass by it, circling it like a vulture, until she told us we could have a piece. I was a 10-year old sugar addict! So now, while continuing on this journey, I will uncover what I am really trying to feed in order to free myself from the "cake" that has been weighing me down all my life. This is my change. And that change feels pretty powerful.